The FRIENDS Inbox-The Husband Who Doesn't Want to be a Wife
Dear Friends,
I have been married for 5 years. I have three sons that are 9, 5, and 1. My wife also has an older daughter that is 16 that she let her mother adopt. My wife decided to join the military and our family relocated to a new city. Since she got back from basic training things have been different. I was proud of my wife for losing a large amount of weight. I thought she was sexy before, but I could tell she felt good about herself, finally after many years. Her newfound confidence started to change things in our marriage.
After basic training, she had to start going on weekend trips for her job. I wasn't aware that she would have to travel on so many weekends for the military. The travel started to take a toll on our marriage. Since my wife does not want our daughters in daycare, I stay at home with the kids and do not work. We have one car and she takes it during the day so I have to stay at home with the kids. I do all the cleaning, cooking, and everything. I have no authority with the kids. Anything I tell them to do, they just go ask her and she will say otherwise.
While on the computer, I found pictures she sent to another man that she has been travelling with for her job. They have conversations back and forth and she tells him that she loves him. This all started about 6 months ago.
Today, I don't even sleep in our bedroom. If I try to go in there she shuts the door or stands in my way. She told me that the dog was more important than I am. I met another female and have been talking to her, visited her a few times, messed around-but we didn't have sex or anything. My wife now is starting to get mad because she thinks that I am seeing someone else and she constantly is asking questions about my whereabouts. I don't think I have done anything wrong. All I want her to do is spend time with me, act like a wife should, and stop disrespecting me. I told her things were better when we were having sex more often-but she says when we do have sex it's not long enough for her. I told her it's because it has been so long and she now does not allow me to touch her.
She says she has not cheated on me, she's just not attracted to me anymore.
I think I should file for divorce because I'd be a fool to say. I feel like I haven't done anything wrong, but I don't know if there is any other way to fix this problem.
Mr. Californication
Mr. Californication,
Seriously guy? She told you that the dog is more important? I believe that says it all. This woman has clearly told you that she doesn't want you anymore, so what are you REALLY hanging around for? You said you just want her to act like a wife should, but the convo that she's probably having with her girlfriends is how she just wants you to act like a man should! Or like any semi-intelligent adult with even marginal amounts of self-esteem should! If you don't carry yourself as a man deserving of respect, you can't be surprised when you are disrespected. I'm gonna need you to get three things right away: a job, a backbone, and a lawyer. While I don't condone your wife's actions, I also think you are part of the problem. Sometimes women like to be reminded that we are worth fighting for, but there have to be limits. Don't let her control both the gas pedal AND the brakes! Either you are her husband or you are not, you are a man or you are not, you are an adult or you are not, and you are worthy of respect or you are not. Make some decisions!
Oh, and regarding the sex...yeah, that does matter, but there are ways to work on that situation as well. But the missing sex sounds like the least of your marital problems.
She
Dear married for 5 years AKA baby sitter;
I bet you think you are a good man because you are taking care of your kids and you thought your wife was good looking when she was fat. You are not a good man you are instead a good boy, just like the dog but obviously less lovable. You are a horrible husband and from what you have expressed in this email a horrible father. You will garner no sympathy from me for not establishing yourself as a man in your relationship. The reason the kids go to her when you tell them what to do is because they do not respect you, she does not respect you and you do not respect yourself. You have let her make you into a babysitter, and she laughs at you with her girlfriends and the dudes she is sleeping with. I am going to need you to do the following things.
1. Leave your house
2. Get a JOB
3. Get your own place with your own stuff
4. Once you have money to do so file for separation and later divorce.
5. some where before you start another relationship I am going to need you to act like a man and grow a pair.
Women do not respect men who let them walk over them, and once the pattern is set you can forget about changing it
Mr. Superstar
Dear Mr. Californication,
Is this (letter you sent us) how you want your life story to read? I will do my best not to beat a dead horse as I think my comrades here have made their points sufficiently and you get the picture. (I hope). Love and respect begins with self. Like attracts like, so what you and your wife are experiencing is nothing more or less than mirror reflections of copious amounts of insecurity, and a profound lack of self love and respect. Your kids and she will not respect or love you adequately until you love and respect you adequately. My comrades have made excellent suggestions in advising that you move out and stand on your own two feet- which will ultimately necessitate her doing so. Another by product of this is that perhaps she will start to realize that she has taken your support for granted and you will begin to see who you really are outside of being her manservant. What she comes away with is really none of your concern however, this is really about your relationship with you and the story you are writing for your life. I say the following as no joke, I make my 10th graders do this activity each year and they report without fail the most profound results. Take a paper and something to write with to the bathroom. Set a timer for 10 minutes and take a nice honest look at yourself in the mirror. Write down what you see. You will find that this makes you uncomfortable. Good. You know who to turn to if you want to see something different.
Nappygal
Mrs. Californication,
Let me explain your wife's behavior to you. She acts the way she acts because SHE CAN. She acts this way because regardless of what she does, you still cook, clean, and play WIFE. It seems to me that for whatever reason, you are people that like to live in misery as a form of satisfaction. Has anybody thought about the example that is being set for the children here?? We are teaching the children to settle for nonsense, to stay in an unhappy marriage, and to let a woman treat you any kind of way. Are these the lessons you want your children to look back on? One of two things is going to happen: they are going to NEVER trust women because of the behavior of their mother, and/or they are going to let a woman treat them any kind of way because that's the example they got from YOU. Either way-why are you perpetuating dysfunctional emotions among your children. Now, I don't have anything to say about somebody that wants to honestly fight for their marriage-that's what you should do. But do it in a healthy way. Obviously you have some self esteem issues. How is your wife suppose to know what to love about you when you don't know what to love about you? And about that "not cheating" thing she's got going on...if you believe that-demote yourself from "WIFE" to "HANDSERVANT". She's been going on weekend trips to see this man-and of COURSE she wants to question you. Guilty IS as guilty DOES. The other thing that is a bit troubling to me is that you don't exactly know how to fix this problem. Obviously you love your wife, so if it's worth fighting for. Go for it. If not-yes you should file for divorce. If love doesn't allow you to do so-get in good with the dog. Maybe she'll see your worth through puppy love.
Moni
Dear Mr.Californication-
Why don't you get your sh*t in order and get your life together while you still can.
I don't believe that this marriage is worth saving.I think you need to spend the time and energy restoring your self confidence and manhood.You really sound like a wuss. I think its groovy and very modern that you packed up and relocated on her whim. But why? And why don't you seem to know anything about what she does exactly. Why are you still there if she treats you like "The Help"?? Her actions are screaming " I don't need you or want you, get out!" Why don't you oblige her and save yourself? That is my initial gut reaction. Now let me give you some more.. If you insist on working at this 1.Please cease and desist with this new found female distraction. 2. Think back to where the wheels fell off in the relationship and pick them up 3.Talk to your wife, find out what she wants to do and why she isn't happy.Also talk to her about your role in the household. You are not the nanny, you are the Daddy! 4. Seek professional help for yourself, your wife, and you as a couple. If nothing else this can help you to learn how to communicate. Many couples do not know how to talk to one another and talk at each other.
5. Ask yourself why you would marry a woman who couldn't commit to her own child. This is VERY telling. 6. Take control of your children.You are the pack leader!
If all this fails refer to my initial response. Good Luck!
Why don't you get your sh*t in order and get your life together while you still can.
I don't believe that this marriage is worth saving.I think you need to spend the time and energy restoring your self confidence and manhood.You really sound like a wuss. I think its groovy and very modern that you packed up and relocated on her whim. But why? And why don't you seem to know anything about what she does exactly. Why are you still there if she treats you like "The Help"?? Her actions are screaming " I don't need you or want you, get out!" Why don't you oblige her and save yourself? That is my initial gut reaction. Now let me give you some more.. If you insist on working at this 1.Please cease and desist with this new found female distraction. 2. Think back to where the wheels fell off in the relationship and pick them up 3.Talk to your wife, find out what she wants to do and why she isn't happy.Also talk to her about your role in the household. You are not the nanny, you are the Daddy! 4. Seek professional help for yourself, your wife, and you as a couple. If nothing else this can help you to learn how to communicate. Many couples do not know how to talk to one another and talk at each other.
5. Ask yourself why you would marry a woman who couldn't commit to her own child. This is VERY telling. 6. Take control of your children.You are the pack leader!
If all this fails refer to my initial response. Good Luck!
A.J.
*sigh* Now I am a newlywed and all about relationships-maintaining a happy home woo woo woo, but you sir? You already know the answer to this. You should have filed for divorce yesterday. Let me send you a copy of “Don’t save her” because your wife/employer don’t wanna be saved. She is perfectly comfortable having a female Mary Poppins aka f*ck boy to take care of the kids and let her enjoy her life. Why you would even stay with a female like this is beyond me. She is not going to change for the better. Too much lunacy for that. Since you are the primary caregiver anyway, file for divorce and custody of the kids. Also, look into education options as the spouse of a military member. Since you didn’t mention any skills and talents beyond being taken advantage of, I will assume you have none. Get some asap because no GOOD woman wants a man with no skills/potential.
Since I mentioned finding a woman, let’s address that. While you haven’t “gone all the way yet” you need to stop. You are walking a fine line and until you are actually committed and resolved to end the marriage, you and this new chick need to keep your distance. Your focus should be you and your kids.
Get your life together and come back to the middle. And don’t ask questions you already know the answer to because I’m tempted to call you stuck on stupid.:)
P.S.- Get a good lawyer and get you some spousal support and child support. This is not professional, legal advice….just good got damn sense.
P.S.S.- If you don’t think your slave master is not getting some dilz on the side, there is no hope for you and both of you are unfit social misfits who do not deserve to be parents. Think about the kids, they see and know more than you realize.
ItsJayRabBaby
ItsJayRabBaby
Let me guess... You were raised in a single-parent household by your mother weren't you? No need to be ashamed, the signs are all there. You respect a woman's strength, but don't know how to embody the strength natively inherent to your own gender, as you haven't seen it properly enacted. Nothing wrong with that. Everyone has to start somewhere. But I'm going to need you to check to see where those little dangly things between your legs went, because they seem to have atrophied something fierce. You obviously have internal needs, and apparently chose your wife with the expectation that she'd fill an emotional hole inside you that you didn't have filled going in. And instead of taking care of that need, you just rode your wife like a crutch. Probably worked, because she needed a crutch too, and you served the purpose. And it was all well and good, until she decided to get up and not BE that crutch anymore. Now, she recognizes that she doesn't need you for that purpose, but you're a little limp-wristed at the moment and haven't learned any coping mechanisms to get you on ahead. So what next? Question really is "can this relationship be saved?" The answer, it can, provided there's motivation for both of you to do so. First things first, be a man. Not a facsimile of a man. She'll know when you're ACTING the role and when you're BEING the role. It's not going to be easy, since you've effectively proven to her that you have NO ability to do it natively... she'll assume you've got some Cliff's notes around somewhere and is going to test your resolve... Saving the marriage is going to be a fight. There's a difference between being a peacemaker and a peacekeeper, and you're reaping the results of that difference. Dude, I'd like to say something nice and encouraging, but one way or another some pain is going to be felt in this scenario. A man fights to protect what is his, so if you ARE one, make that stand, take the fights that come, and recognize that it'll heal a lot stronger than the broken crap that went in...
Metaphyzxx
Dear Mr. Californication-
This relationship, if that's what you want to call it, is just a big ole mess!! Wifey got her sexy back and her whole attitude and outlook on life changed! She is all about herself right now and even the dog is more important than you and your feelings. And her traveling every weekend with the military? Come on now man....are you that slow? Don't nobody travel every single weekend with the military! You found your proof of her cheating when you found the pics she was sending and the emails back and forth where she actually told this man she loved him. Why are you still there? Is it because of the children? I will tell you this....never stay with someone b/c of the kids. The kids can sense unhappiness and they don't need that in their lives. First of all, just like your wife, your own kids don't even respect you. MAN UP! Demand respect from her (if you plan on staying) and your kids (just b/c you are the daddy). Either yall need to get it together or move on!
Kina GoLightly
Well, Mr. Californication-the friends have spoken and:
YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD!!
Thoughts, comments? Carry on to the comment thread!!
Posts
4 comments:
So the overwhelming consensus is GET SOME, GROW SOME, AND GET GONE!!
The Friends is a new phenomenon!!
IS THIS DUDE GAY?
The Friends are so great lol. Giving it to basic people straight, no chaser! He really already knew the answer, he was just looking for sympathy & a cosigner to his mess.
Sad fact is, you can tell he doesn't have the 'testicular fortitude' to do what it would take to keep her. That's a man that needs a reset button... or a purse.
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